"I don't know"

No, really.  Sometimes I just don't.

I took my kid to Disney World yesterday, and that was so much fun (mostly; we both had some issues there stemming from being autistic in a hot, crowded place).  On the way home, I just felt drained, and I kept thinking maybe I was dehydrated, so I kept drinking Powerade and water, and I still felt that way this morning.  It was like having a hangover, but I hadn't had any alcohol.

Oh.

Sensory overload.

Shutdown.

This is what it's like to be Autistic.  Sometimes, you just aren't aware of why your body is doing something, and you find yourself utterly confused as to what you're feeling.  So if someone were to ask me "how are you?" late last night or early this morning, my response would have been "I don't know. I feel off, but I don't know why, or what's wrong."  I didn't feel sick, not like stuffy nose sick, or over tired or stomach flu or anything identifiable.

It's been a long time since I felt the way I did early this morning.  Probably years, really, though I've had minor incidences in the interim.  I had difficulty doing my job this morning, which is why I was thankful that I was only scheduled for four hours this morning.  Otherwise, I'm not entirely certain what I would have done, because I was slowly mixing things up (and add to that the fact that overnight, the prices for many popular items changed).

My kids don't go back to school until Monday, and so I took them this afternoon to a somewhat noisy atmosphere.  It's never as bad as it was today, and I knew when my 7 year old pushed another kid after he screamed in her face, that we had to leave.  I don't know how to explain things like that, because they tend to happen when I'm overwhelmed as well.  I don't know how to say "She's autistic and he was literally causing her pain by screaming in her face, and she did what she could to communicate in that moment "get away from me". "  How do you do that when you yourself want to put your hands over your ears and spend the next 20 minutes in the quietest place you can think of and just rock until you feel better?

Most people don't understand.  I'm grateful to be able to post this on the internet where there are quite a few people who do.  Maybe one day, I'll be lucky to join my friends at places like Autreat and other spaces where Autistic people are.

For now, I'm just grateful to not be completely alone.